[At any other time, he would've been more careful. He would've thought through what to say more. But he's sick and tired and the bitterness hits so fast and hard at keep yourself and everyone around you safe that the response slips out, before he realizes what he's saying.]
nobody around me is ever really safe but i get you i have too but i want it to mean something so
[Truly, what he wanted was less to die and more to stop hurting, to stop being a threat to everyone he loved just by existing. Alcohol was a way to stop for a while, to blur out the sharp painful edges of being conscious and aware of everything about himself. Still....as difficult and painful as it is to let go of that comfort, it feels all the more difficult to acknowledge that is something worth praise when doing so leaves him with too much of that awareness.]
i might, someday need them if remembering the burning farmhouse isn't enough ...it's a long story
gently cws this thread for passive suicidality & alcoholism talk
nobody around me is ever really safe
but i get you
i have too
but i want it to mean something
so
[Truly, what he wanted was less to die and more to stop hurting, to stop being a threat to everyone he loved just by existing. Alcohol was a way to stop for a while, to blur out the sharp painful edges of being conscious and aware of everything about himself. Still....as difficult and painful as it is to let go of that comfort, it feels all the more difficult to acknowledge that is something worth praise when doing so leaves him with too much of that awareness.]
i might, someday
need them
if remembering the burning farmhouse isn't enough
...it's a long story