heh. clover said the same thing, in atlas it just doesn't feel like an accomplishment, really
[Or at least, he feels weird and uncomfortable patting himself on the back for cleaning himself up so he wouldn't need to be scraped off the pavement while children were left to figure out how to proceed with saving the world when everything just seemed too hopeless.]
especially when it'd be so easy to slip
[He means to delete that; it's his problem to deal with. ...He's tired enough that he misses the backspace and hits "send" by mistake, instead. Shit.]
[it's fine. she appreciates him opening up whether he meant to or not. she appreciates it enough that she won't even call him out for comparing her to a cop.]
Yeah. It'd be really easy to slip.
I spent some long nights stuck in Salem's castle trying to get a hold of myself. I've always been lucky enough to never do anything, but... I've wanted it before. If you get me.
So maybe it doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment, doing what you have to do to keep yourself and everyone around you safe. But you and I both know it is.
I know a few tricks for fighting the thoughts back. If you ever need them.
gently cws this thread for passive suicidality & alcoholism talk
[At any other time, he would've been more careful. He would've thought through what to say more. But he's sick and tired and the bitterness hits so fast and hard at keep yourself and everyone around you safe that the response slips out, before he realizes what he's saying.]
nobody around me is ever really safe but i get you i have too but i want it to mean something so
[Truly, what he wanted was less to die and more to stop hurting, to stop being a threat to everyone he loved just by existing. Alcohol was a way to stop for a while, to blur out the sharp painful edges of being conscious and aware of everything about himself. Still....as difficult and painful as it is to let go of that comfort, it feels all the more difficult to acknowledge that is something worth praise when doing so leaves him with too much of that awareness.]
i might, someday need them if remembering the burning farmhouse isn't enough ...it's a long story
[It's a little bit funny though, he thinks, that the how did we end up like this is related to that long story. Hell, if he hadn't tried to get out of explaining what had happened back then, he wonders if they would've gotten to talking about Yang and Beacon and having a fresh start.
He thinks about it a moment, then decides he might as well--especially once he realizes what he just let slip, and that Emerald didn't chase it when she had the opportunity.]
remember when i told you about the apathy? there's a reason i couldn't tell you how to kill them
it happened after we found out the truth about salem we needed to find shelter for the night, and we ended up at this farm it was pretty creepy, everyone in the estate seemed to have died in their beds, but we would've frozen to death in the snowstorm if we left turns out the reason everyone died was because the previous owner was having money trouble he wanted to cut costs on huntsman protection and he lured an apathy into his cellar to calm everyone down so he wouldn't draw grimm when he told them but he didn't seal up his tunnels until the next morning the apathy made him too tired, and by then the rest of the pack had found its missing member he sealed his own doom right along with them none of us had realized what was happening to us while we were there but then the lamp got dropped into a well and the kids went after it i didn't bother to go with them and was busy getting wasted without a clue while they fought those things ruby and her friend had to drag me out of there and i saw them shambling after us, burning along with the farmhouse
[she doesn't know what else she can say. he got so drunk he couldn't protect his nieces. he couldn't protect anybody. all he could do was sit there feeling sorry for himself in the middle of some... drunken stupor. it isn't an emotion that Emerald knows. it's not one she thinks she'll ever really know. so it takes her a moment to say anything more than that.]
That sounds like the kind of lesson that doesn't go away. Gods. That's... that's so much. I'm sorry. I don't know if I know what else to say.
you'd think it'd have been easy never to look back after that
[But it wasn't. It still isn't. When he feels stressed out or hurt, it's still his first thought. He finds himself wondering if it'll always be like that.]
anyway that's why it doesn't really feel like much, i guess "congrats, you didn't nearly let the rest of your family get killed today" hell of a greeting card that'd be
Yeah, kind of the same vibe as "thanks for realizing that destroying a school is wrong". Or "congratulations on getting out of a relationship that the entire world knew was terrible for you". I get you. Working towards redemption feels good, but... I think it's gonna be a while before it starts feeling like I earned it.
[Twenty years down the road from having decided to change his life, and he still doesn't always feel like he deserves what he has in life. Some days he definitely doesn't feel like a good person.]
for what its worth the first one means a lot to me, at least it's not a wasted effort or going unnoticed
Thanks. That helps a lot to know. Same to you, even though there's a whole lot of stuff about you that I'm only learning, like, after the fact. After you're already starting these changes. Not to harp on it or anything, but I'm glad that everything Salem knows about both of us is useless now. Because we're different people. Different enough.
heh at the very least we'll able to make her waste her time gathering new intel which we both personally know is a huge pain in the ass, so i'll take it
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no subject
clover said the same thing, in atlas
it just
doesn't feel like an accomplishment, really
[Or at least, he feels weird and uncomfortable patting himself on the back for cleaning himself up so he wouldn't need to be scraped off the pavement while children were left to figure out how to proceed with saving the world when everything just seemed too hopeless.]
especially when it'd be so easy to slip
[He means to delete that; it's his problem to deal with. ...He's tired enough that he misses the backspace and hits "send" by mistake, instead. Shit.]
no subject
Yeah.
It'd be really easy to slip.
I spent some long nights stuck in Salem's castle trying to get a hold of myself.
I've always been lucky enough to never do anything, but... I've wanted it before.
If you get me.
So maybe it doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment, doing what you have to do to keep yourself and everyone around you safe.
But you and I both know it is.
I know a few tricks for fighting the thoughts back. If you ever need them.
gently cws this thread for passive suicidality & alcoholism talk
nobody around me is ever really safe
but i get you
i have too
but i want it to mean something
so
[Truly, what he wanted was less to die and more to stop hurting, to stop being a threat to everyone he loved just by existing. Alcohol was a way to stop for a while, to blur out the sharp painful edges of being conscious and aware of everything about himself. Still....as difficult and painful as it is to let go of that comfort, it feels all the more difficult to acknowledge that is something worth praise when doing so leaves him with too much of that awareness.]
i might, someday
need them
if remembering the burning farmhouse isn't enough
...it's a long story
no subject
How the hell did we end up like this.
Me sitting here talking about... fucking ideation with my best friend's uncle.
Anyway, you can tell it if you want. Where's either of us going right now, you know?
But I know it's probably a lot of stuff.
It's up to you.
no subject
life is damn weird
[It's a little bit funny though, he thinks, that the how did we end up like this is related to that long story. Hell, if he hadn't tried to get out of explaining what had happened back then, he wonders if they would've gotten to talking about Yang and Beacon and having a fresh start.
He thinks about it a moment, then decides he might as well--especially once he realizes what he just let slip, and that Emerald didn't chase it when she had the opportunity.]
remember when i told you about the apathy?
there's a reason i couldn't tell you how to kill them
it happened after we found out the truth about salem
we needed to find shelter for the night, and we ended up at this farm
it was pretty creepy, everyone in the estate seemed to have died in their beds, but we would've frozen to death in the snowstorm if we left
turns out the reason everyone died was because the previous owner was having money trouble
he wanted to cut costs on huntsman protection and he lured an apathy into his cellar to calm everyone down so he wouldn't draw grimm when he told them
but he didn't seal up his tunnels until the next morning
the apathy made him too tired, and by then the rest of the pack had found its missing member
he sealed his own doom right along with them
none of us had realized what was happening to us while we were there but then the lamp got dropped into a well and the kids went after it
i didn't bother to go with them and was busy getting wasted without a clue while they fought those things
ruby and her friend had to drag me out of there and i saw them shambling after us, burning along with the farmhouse
no subject
[she doesn't know what else she can say. he got so drunk he couldn't protect his nieces. he couldn't protect anybody. all he could do was sit there feeling sorry for himself in the middle of some... drunken stupor. it isn't an emotion that Emerald knows. it's not one she thinks she'll ever really know. so it takes her a moment to say anything more than that.]
That sounds like the kind of lesson that doesn't go away.
Gods. That's... that's so much. I'm sorry.
I don't know if I know what else to say.
Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me that.
no subject
[But it wasn't. It still isn't. When he feels stressed out or hurt, it's still his first thought. He finds himself wondering if it'll always be like that.]
anyway
that's why it doesn't really feel like much, i guess
"congrats, you didn't nearly let the rest of your family get killed today"
hell of a greeting card that'd be
no subject
Or "congratulations on getting out of a relationship that the entire world knew was terrible for you".
I get you.
Working towards redemption feels good, but...
I think it's gonna be a while before it starts feeling like I earned it.
no subject
it's one of the harder parts
[Twenty years down the road from having decided to change his life, and he still doesn't always feel like he deserves what he has in life. Some days he definitely doesn't feel like a good person.]
for what its worth
the first one means a lot to me, at least
it's not a wasted effort or going unnoticed
no subject
That helps a lot to know.
Same to you, even though there's a whole lot of stuff about you that I'm only learning, like, after the fact. After you're already starting these changes.
Not to harp on it or anything, but I'm glad that everything Salem knows about both of us is useless now.
Because we're different people.
Different enough.
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at the very least we'll able to make her waste her time gathering new intel
which we both personally know is a huge pain in the ass, so i'll take it
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Here's to wasting other people's time through self-improvement.
Thanks for being... I don't know. Thanks for being cool.
I'm glad we started talking more.
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you're not half bad to talk to yourself, kid
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I'll keep that secret for as long as possible and definitely won't use it against you.
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i said the coolest team to ever GRADUATE beacon
team rwby doesn't count
[Can't graduate from Beacon when Beacon was destroyed!!! QED.]
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But stay on your toes.
I'm comin' for you in the next one.
no subject
[As the kids say, COME AT ME, BRO.]