To not be spoken down to by a man acting like a child, among other things. I could proceed to list them, if you like.
[ A sharp retort that lacks the fire needed to make it a real barb, eyes drifting to the watch before returning to Qrow himself. He smells like alcohol, the bitter stale scent that comes from liquor consumed and not liquor still in its glass. How long has he been here? Long enough to get himself drunk, and Sasuke considers whether or not slapping him would help to sober him up. Unlikely. ]
[He sighs. The last thing he wants to do right now is deal with this, but he can't quite shoo the kid away, under the circumstances. Again, he sips from the glass, unable to meet Sasuke's eyes. He considers lying. It comes to him easily enough, after a lifetime of experience with being a spy, but what's the point? Whatever this kid thinks Qrow can do for him, he's wasting his time. Maybe the truth will change his mind about associating with him.]
I read the first one.
[Ignored the next few. Turned off the watch after that.]
You knew it was from me, you knew what we'd experienced together two nights ago, and you knew based upon that that I was likely contacting you for a related reason. Why ignore it?
[ Because making him say it might make him feel even the tiniest bit better. ]
[He considers correcting him about his name, but honestly? Seems like more effort than it's worth. A shoulder lifts, then falls halfheartedly.]
Didn't feel much like talking.
[...]
[He finishes off the drink and finally looks at him. For...a few seconds, before looking away again.]
Were you looking for me since then?
[His stomach churns again at the sight of how exhausted Sasuke looked, and he's tempted to get up and walk out of this bar here and now. Except the kid will just hunt him down again, won't he? He can't let that happen.]
Answer on the first damn message instead of wasting my time. [ He waves the bartender off when the man looks his way, certainly not looking to drown his own miseries. He knows better. Has seen far too many shinobi whose minds didn't agree with their profession and who spent too much time trying to convince themselves of a different reality. They would stumble out of bars into the streets of Konoha while Sasuke walked home from his missions, some vomiting, some crying, some laughing. All of them purging something from their systems that they wouldn't while sober.
He eyes Qrow that much more critically, silent for a moment. ]
There was no other way to make sure you weren't dead or imprisoned.
[He opens his mouth to make a sarcastic comment, but it dies in his throat by the time Sasuke finishes what he has to say. He ... wanted to check if Qrow was okay, after all that? He looks a bit nakedly shocked, before his gaze turns away again, and he flags the bartender back down for another drink.
Shit. He...doesn't have an excuse, really. He should've checked on Sasuke himself sooner, if he wasn't a damn coward. He just couldn't bear to, after what he'd done, and here Sasuke was worrying over his safety. There's a shakiness to his breath like that night, shortly after he was done feeding from him. Effort being made to hold something under control that came from the human side of him, not the monster.
The next drink arrives and he stares down into it, struggling with -- something. He picks it up, then puts it back down, before reaching for it again. Just sits with it in his hand after that, stuck somewhere in feelings he can't seem to verbalize.]
....You shouldn't be worrying about me, after all that. Did you get medical attention afterward, or just deal with it yourself?
[ Sasuke makes little attempt to hide the way his gaze drops to the drink in Qrow's hand, displeased and appraising. He's teetering on the edge of something, but what that is Sasuke doesn't know. Perhaps the only way to find out is to give him a push, but that isn't his job. Not intentionally, at least. ]
Neither. I ended up aided the following day by other Mirrorbound, though for side effects from the full moon itself and not your actions. I wouldn't have volunteered if I couldn't have dealt with it.
Stop underestimating me just because you're irritated with yourself. It's an insult to me.
[It should make him feel better, but it doesn't. He just feels kind of annoyed, on top of still feeling terrible about what happened. It might help if he stopped to think they're probably similar when it comes into inquiries into their well-being, but self-loathing tends to warp your perspective. It's always different.
He finally puts down the drink, sighing sharply.]
If I was underestimating you, I wouldn't have assumed you took care of it. I drank your blood, it's not unreasonable to ask what happened afterward.
You drank my blood because of a choice that I made. You can say you aren't underestimating me, but you're reducing me in your narrative to a victim of your existence. It's why you're here feeling guilty and ignoring your messages.
Tell me that if put in a similar position again you'll answer me.
[ A lot to demand of a man who's been drinking all day. ]
[Sasuke's right. He's right, but alcohol has a way of muddying your thinking, intensifying some things and distorting others, and everything he's been trying to push away and escape from since he stumbled through that mirror has built up and it's this moment where the dam cracks--]
It's a choice you made because of me!
[That's always how it is. He brings misfortune. He drags others down with him.]
The full moon messed you up too, right? What if that had happened sooner? What if I went out of control and you couldn't stop me like you said?
[He had no choice but to trust that Sasuke could fight him off, in that moment, because it was that or harm someone vulnerable, like he hasn't done since he was a child, and the gamble paid off. But he knows luck like that doesn't come to him often. It could've gone so, so wrong. And he shouldn't have let it happen.]
I could've killed you, and you're acting like it was my safety that mattered in all this!
[He puts his face in a hand, covering those uncanny red eyes of his. He wasn't ready to confront any of this. His denial of the situation with his transformation almost got a kid killed while he was focused on researching escape, and he doesn't even have a Bond yet. Doesn't trust anyone enough for one, either, so he's trying to hold it together on that front, too.
He doesn't go for the drink again, but his voice lowers after that outburst, and he sounds tired.]
...So no, I'm not gonna contact you if it happens again, because it won't. I'll be ready next time.
[He'll barricade his damn doors with silver himself if he has to.]
Keep your voice down, [ he cuts back suddenly, and his eyes would be as red as Qrow's if he still had access to his jutsu in that moment. His voice is lowered, unappreciative of the looks drawn their way as a result of the outburst, and his tone remains measured. ]
I'm not interested in baseless "what if" scenarios. I helped you because it was the best option for both of us at that time. I explained my reasoning enough times that I'm not doing it again, but you're letting your guilt outweigh your gratitude by trying to lecture me when what you should be doing is thanking me.
You could have killed me. I could have killed you. And perhaps neither death would take in the first place because of what we now are. Speculating is a waste of time. [ He raises his watch suddenly, making sure it's within Qrow's view. ]
I didn't ask you to contact me. I'm telling you to answer my messages if it happens again. Take whatever precautions you need to to keep yourself from hurting others, but if you fail like you did last night I'm not going to ignore it.
[He grits his teeth. Sasuke doesn't get it. He doesn't get it, and the only thing that keeps him from walking out on him right now is the knowledge that he'll be followed. He misses being able to turn into a bird and fly away, honestly. He misses Ozpin. Remnant.]
It's not baseless. I have to think about these things, all the time, because--
[He stops, suddenly. It doesn't matter anymore, so he doesn't have to say it. It doesn't matter. Except it does, because he still sees it everywhere, still wonders, because even though he can't feel his Aura anymore, it's still his soul. He wondered when he happened to walk by just as Daenerys fell through a rope bridge into a river. He wondered when Jonas collapsed in the forest and no one else was there to help him. He wondered when that woman in the bar cut her hand on that glass right next to him and got slammed into a wall for her trouble.
He has had to think about what ifs every day of his life, pay attention to every thing that could possibly go wrong, and try to plan around them when he could, or just distance himself when he couldn't. It matters because he's still scared of what he is, still scared of being a burden upon others, especially now that the danger is becoming so much more immediate than luck. But he can't say it. There's another shaky breath, and he finally drinks again.]
...Why the hell are you so hung up on this anyway? You barely even know me.
[This is peak hypocrisy and he knows it, fully expects to be called on it, but he needed a redirect. Even a patently transparent one like that.]
[ Oh, how many things could follow that word. He could guess, but would there be any point? Whatever physical, psychological, emotional reason there might be behind Qrow's actions– ] Does it matter? Guilt is making you behave foolishly. I'm acquainted with the concept.
[ Because it's how he acted years ago. Still acts sometimes now, though never with such a strong avoidant streak. He prefers to remain solitary for a lot of reasons, but at the expense of making himself a greater risk? No, he can't forgive himself for something like that any longer. ]
You are responsible for you. I am responsible for me. I'm going to do what I want to do and what I can see is the right course of action. That's what I did with you. Complicate it if you want, but if I wasn't there things would've been worse for you.
[Because I'm cursed. The sentence finishes in his head, words he couldn't even say to his niece for 16 years. It's not just guilt, but when he thinks about trying to explain that, it catches in his throat, like always. He doesn't look up at Sasuke.]
That explains why you helped me. Not why you'd check up on me later.
I saw you, [ he repeats, eyes fixed on Qrow even if he doesn't get the same treatment in return. Is he wrong to push a man who's clearly reached the potential for intoxication? He doesn't slur and keeps his points clear, enough to convince Sasuke that he's capable. ]
Which means I've seen you, like I see you now. Your problems didn't disappear after the night ended.
[There's a moment of transparent surprise, those red eyes shifting in Sasuke's direction for just a second as though checking for sincerity. Finding it, meanwhile, is another strange experience altogether. He hadn't ... expected Sasuke to be the type, honestly. Maybe not a fair judgment--Beacon always did take all kinds, after all--but he hears an echo of Ruby in those words...of Summer.
The wall thrown up to prevent Sasuke's encroachment lowers an inch. He sighs, frustration leeched out of his tone and replaced with a deep exhaustion.]
My problems, [he gestures with the glass, symptom and self-medication both for many of them] have been around a long time. Not much anybody can do about most of them. Kept myself alive this long, though, and I gotta get back to the other ones.
[He's quiet a minute. Weighing in his head whether he's ready to let someone new in close enough to care about his well-being like this. He doesn't want to. But he never really had a choice, with Tai and Summer. They cared about him against his will until he loved them back, until their team was everything to him--and then it all fell apart.
He drinks, and then he looks at Sasuke again, holding his gaze this time. Might as well make the choice before it stops being one he has to make.]
[ It's a step in the right direction, even if Sasuke's instinct is always to find an answer wanting. He keeps eyes fixed on Qrow's, red on black where normally his own gaze would be heterochromic. ]
I won't do that. [ Simply enough. ]
If I send you a message and you don't respond to me, it could mean any number of things. Answer quickly, confirm you're fine, and I'll leave you alone. It's all that's required.
[His jaw twitches. Sasuke doesn't understand what kind of concession it is from Qrow, to promise he'll answer messages eventually. That means something to Qrow; it's an acceptance of a connection between them, when he's been reluctant to offer such a thing to anyone in this world. For Qrow, that means he's always going to come back when he's needed, but the reverse is a bigger ask. And it feels a little bit a slap in the face after giving him more than he felt comfortable with already.]
Look kid, I'm not just looking at my watch waiting for messages all day. If I say I'll get to it, I'll get to it.
You want to think I'm dead because I haven't answered in a couple hours or something, fine, but that's underestimating me.
You should know what I'm referring to. If you see a message, don't purposefully ignore it. If you miss one incidentally, don't be surprised if I seek out answers myself.
[ Sasuke values his own privacy. To have someone prying into it the way he is into Qrow's? It's distasteful, and it's something he would resent. Bearing all of that in mind, however, he has yet to back down. ]
Maybe I'm underestimating you. I'd rather do that than the opposite... and I don't mind if you dislike me over it. [ Slowly he rises again to his feet, head tilting as he stares down at Qrow. ] Go ahead.
I said I wouldn't ignore it. But I'm not going to drop everything to humor your curiosity if I'm busy, either. You don't have the right to ask that much of me.
[Sasuke might notice a slight emphasis on the you, as though there are people he would accept it from. Ozpin, for one. He'd try his best for Ruby or Yang or Tai, too. Sasuke helped him out at risk to himself, and he's grateful enough to offer a guarantee of response--but this is too much.]
Don't be surprised if I'm not as easy to find as I was today.
I understand that. [ And he does. His tone even softens for those three simple words, gaze turning briefly reflective before he lifts his chin. ]
I'll deal with the annoyance of finding you if I must, and you can deal with the annoyance of my success. "Dropping everything" for a one word reply requiring absolutely minimal effort seems easier on both of us, but we'll see how things go. [ And with that he's turning on his heel, seemingly satisfied with that being the final word in the argument.
[Qrow is not always someone above trying to get the last word in an argument, but he's tired. This whole situation's worn on him, and he can't summon the energy to chase after it as the conversation comes to a close. Instead, he merely rolls his eyes, and once Sasuke's left him to his devices, he gets back to what he came for -- trying to drink himself into an oblivion that forgets, at least for the moment, all the things that are making him miserable.
One that forgets what else he needs to drink now, in order to survive. Maybe if he were fortunate, one of these days he'd wake up from a blackout back in Remnant. If only.]
Edited (what even was that sentence) 2020-04-05 23:40 (UTC)
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no subject
[ A sharp retort that lacks the fire needed to make it a real barb, eyes drifting to the watch before returning to Qrow himself. He smells like alcohol, the bitter stale scent that comes from liquor consumed and not liquor still in its glass. How long has he been here? Long enough to get himself drunk, and Sasuke considers whether or not slapping him would help to sober him up. Unlikely. ]
Did you read my messages or didn't you?
no subject
I read the first one.
[Ignored the next few. Turned off the watch after that.]
no subject
You knew it was from me, you knew what we'd experienced together two nights ago, and you knew based upon that that I was likely contacting you for a related reason. Why ignore it?
[ Because making him say it might make him feel even the tiniest bit better. ]
no subject
Didn't feel much like talking.
[...]
[He finishes off the drink and finally looks at him. For...a few seconds, before looking away again.]
Were you looking for me since then?
[His stomach churns again at the sight of how exhausted Sasuke looked, and he's tempted to get up and walk out of this bar here and now. Except the kid will just hunt him down again, won't he? He can't let that happen.]
no subject
Answer on the first damn message instead of wasting my time. [ He waves the bartender off when the man looks his way, certainly not looking to drown his own miseries. He knows better. Has seen far too many shinobi whose minds didn't agree with their profession and who spent too much time trying to convince themselves of a different reality. They would stumble out of bars into the streets of Konoha while Sasuke walked home from his missions, some vomiting, some crying, some laughing. All of them purging something from their systems that they wouldn't while sober.
He eyes Qrow that much more critically, silent for a moment. ]
There was no other way to make sure you weren't dead or imprisoned.
no subject
Shit. He...doesn't have an excuse, really. He should've checked on Sasuke himself sooner, if he wasn't a damn coward. He just couldn't bear to, after what he'd done, and here Sasuke was worrying over his safety. There's a shakiness to his breath like that night, shortly after he was done feeding from him. Effort being made to hold something under control that came from the human side of him, not the monster.
The next drink arrives and he stares down into it, struggling with -- something. He picks it up, then puts it back down, before reaching for it again. Just sits with it in his hand after that, stuck somewhere in feelings he can't seem to verbalize.]
....You shouldn't be worrying about me, after all that. Did you get medical attention afterward, or just deal with it yourself?
no subject
Neither. I ended up aided the following day by other Mirrorbound, though for side effects from the full moon itself and not your actions. I wouldn't have volunteered if I couldn't have dealt with it.
Stop underestimating me just because you're irritated with yourself. It's an insult to me.
no subject
He finally puts down the drink, sighing sharply.]
If I was underestimating you, I wouldn't have assumed you took care of it. I drank your blood, it's not unreasonable to ask what happened afterward.
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Tell me that if put in a similar position again you'll answer me.
[ A lot to demand of a man who's been drinking all day. ]
no subject
It's a choice you made because of me!
[That's always how it is. He brings misfortune. He drags others down with him.]
The full moon messed you up too, right? What if that had happened sooner? What if I went out of control and you couldn't stop me like you said?
[He had no choice but to trust that Sasuke could fight him off, in that moment, because it was that or harm someone vulnerable, like he hasn't done since he was a child, and the gamble paid off. But he knows luck like that doesn't come to him often. It could've gone so, so wrong. And he shouldn't have let it happen.]
I could've killed you, and you're acting like it was my safety that mattered in all this!
[He puts his face in a hand, covering those uncanny red eyes of his. He wasn't ready to confront any of this. His denial of the situation with his transformation almost got a kid killed while he was focused on researching escape, and he doesn't even have a Bond yet. Doesn't trust anyone enough for one, either, so he's trying to hold it together on that front, too.
He doesn't go for the drink again, but his voice lowers after that outburst, and he sounds tired.]
...So no, I'm not gonna contact you if it happens again, because it won't. I'll be ready next time.
[He'll barricade his damn doors with silver himself if he has to.]
no subject
I'm not interested in baseless "what if" scenarios. I helped you because it was the best option for both of us at that time. I explained my reasoning enough times that I'm not doing it again, but you're letting your guilt outweigh your gratitude by trying to lecture me when what you should be doing is thanking me.
You could have killed me. I could have killed you. And perhaps neither death would take in the first place because of what we now are. Speculating is a waste of time. [ He raises his watch suddenly, making sure it's within Qrow's view. ]
I didn't ask you to contact me. I'm telling you to answer my messages if it happens again. Take whatever precautions you need to to keep yourself from hurting others, but if you fail like you did last night I'm not going to ignore it.
no subject
It's not baseless. I have to think about these things, all the time, because--
[He stops, suddenly. It doesn't matter anymore, so he doesn't have to say it. It doesn't matter. Except it does, because he still sees it everywhere, still wonders, because even though he can't feel his Aura anymore, it's still his soul. He wondered when he happened to walk by just as Daenerys fell through a rope bridge into a river. He wondered when Jonas collapsed in the forest and no one else was there to help him. He wondered when that woman in the bar cut her hand on that glass right next to him and got slammed into a wall for her trouble.
He has had to think about what ifs every day of his life, pay attention to every thing that could possibly go wrong, and try to plan around them when he could, or just distance himself when he couldn't. It matters because he's still scared of what he is, still scared of being a burden upon others, especially now that the danger is becoming so much more immediate than luck. But he can't say it. There's another shaky breath, and he finally drinks again.]
...Why the hell are you so hung up on this anyway? You barely even know me.
[This is peak hypocrisy and he knows it, fully expects to be called on it, but he needed a redirect. Even a patently transparent one like that.]
no subject
[ Oh, how many things could follow that word. He could guess, but would there be any point? Whatever physical, psychological, emotional reason there might be behind Qrow's actions– ] Does it matter? Guilt is making you behave foolishly. I'm acquainted with the concept.
[ Because it's how he acted years ago. Still acts sometimes now, though never with such a strong avoidant streak. He prefers to remain solitary for a lot of reasons, but at the expense of making himself a greater risk? No, he can't forgive himself for something like that any longer. ]
You are responsible for you. I am responsible for me. I'm going to do what I want to do and what I can see is the right course of action. That's what I did with you. Complicate it if you want, but if I wasn't there things would've been worse for you.
I saw you. It doesn't matter if I know you.
no subject
That explains why you helped me. Not why you'd check up on me later.
no subject
Which means I've seen you, like I see you now. Your problems didn't disappear after the night ended.
no subject
The wall thrown up to prevent Sasuke's encroachment lowers an inch. He sighs, frustration leeched out of his tone and replaced with a deep exhaustion.]
My problems, [he gestures with the glass, symptom and self-medication both for many of them] have been around a long time. Not much anybody can do about most of them. Kept myself alive this long, though, and I gotta get back to the other ones.
[He's quiet a minute. Weighing in his head whether he's ready to let someone new in close enough to care about his well-being like this. He doesn't want to. But he never really had a choice, with Tai and Summer. They cared about him against his will until he loved them back, until their team was everything to him--and then it all fell apart.
He drinks, and then he looks at Sasuke again, holding his gaze this time. Might as well make the choice before it stops being one he has to make.]
I'll answer. Just ... give it time.
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I won't do that. [ Simply enough. ]
If I send you a message and you don't respond to me, it could mean any number of things. Answer quickly, confirm you're fine, and I'll leave you alone. It's all that's required.
no subject
Look kid, I'm not just looking at my watch waiting for messages all day. If I say I'll get to it, I'll get to it.
You want to think I'm dead because I haven't answered in a couple hours or something, fine, but that's underestimating me.
no subject
[ Sasuke values his own privacy. To have someone prying into it the way he is into Qrow's? It's distasteful, and it's something he would resent. Bearing all of that in mind, however, he has yet to back down. ]
Maybe I'm underestimating you. I'd rather do that than the opposite... and I don't mind if you dislike me over it. [ Slowly he rises again to his feet, head tilting as he stares down at Qrow. ] Go ahead.
no subject
[Sasuke might notice a slight emphasis on the you, as though there are people he would accept it from. Ozpin, for one. He'd try his best for Ruby or Yang or Tai, too. Sasuke helped him out at risk to himself, and he's grateful enough to offer a guarantee of response--but this is too much.]
Don't be surprised if I'm not as easy to find as I was today.
no subject
I'll deal with the annoyance of finding you if I must, and you can deal with the annoyance of my success. "Dropping everything" for a one word reply requiring absolutely minimal effort seems easier on both of us, but we'll see how things go. [ And with that he's turning on his heel, seemingly satisfied with that being the final word in the argument.
His own. Go figure. ]
no subject
One that forgets what else he needs to drink now, in order to survive. Maybe if he were fortunate, one of these days he'd wake up from a blackout back in Remnant. If only.]