I think I get it. I still don't like feeling broken like this, feeling lost, feeling like a part of me was stolen But it's
Don't fucking judge me for saying this because I know it's corny shit but It feels better to be feeling that than indifference Or brothers help me, happiness I want to feel heartbroken when this happens to people I care about because it means that it all actually means something
I don't know I haven't been sleeping and I feel stupid talking about stuff like this too much I think I'm making sense
[He intends to leave it at that. He would've, normally. But he's sick as shit and on whatever painkillers they've managed to scrounge up at this point and his mental filters are like 30% operational at best. Qrow will aggressively deny this naked sentimentality later, if he even remembers, but for now:]
it feels like losing part of you because it is you are giving people pieces of your heart in exchange for pieces of theirs, after all
[that's all she can say for a long moment while she rolls it around in her head. she doesn't know how she feels about it in the slightest, but her fingers are typing out a reply anyway while she thinks and thinks and thinks and can't settle on a meaning. she's not spiraling but she doesn't feel like she's here right now.]
Didn't think I had that much left after I gave all of it to someone who didn't care
Some part of Qrow, distantly, realizes he's hitting dangerous territory. He realizes if he continues down this path, he will be in fact carving out a new portion of it heart for Emerald, here. But he's in too deep, and perhaps this endless twilight is a space when they can bear their grief without facing the consequences. Perhaps it is safe simply to hurt right now.]
unfortunately
[It is a private joke for himself, but perhaps he might share it with her someday.]
it's not something you can run out of even when you think someone's run away with everything, you'll find there's still more to carve out the next time someone comes around hell, even when you remember the dumpster they threw it all in, you'll be tempted to give them more if you see them again and they look at you the same way they always did
[Qrow does not know who Emerald means; she does not know who he means -- and perhaps this is a kindness for them both. It is a safe place to bleed, without the burden of context, of knowledge.]
I don't want her to have any more Nobody gets it Not Yang not Varian but I know the second she shows up in my life here nothing else will matter I'll carve out piece after piece and hand it over to her and hope that she gives me back a scrap I'm not strong enough alone I know I'm not Just one spark and everything goes up in flames I'm just waiting for it to happen
[He gets it. He gave Raven seventeen years of chances to come back to them, after all. He'd privately taken back disowning her after that first conversation with Emerald, even. He's still trying to decide if he can forgive Ozpin.]
it's hard
[It takes him a minute, after that. The typing dots appear and disappear, as he tries to get coherent sentences to arrange themselves through the headache.]
i don't know if there's an answer, really if you should let her rebuild the bridge or keep it burned but is there a line you couldn't let her cross? something you can't accept, no matter what?
[This, he thinks, is very important. He does not know how to let go of people, not completely. But he's taught himself from hard experience how to turn his back, at the very, very least.]
[it takes five minutes for the read receipt to go through and another ten before Emerald can actually bring herself to respond. she's having a breakdown in front of Qrow's eyes and once again she feels horribly guilty about everything she's saying and who she's saying it to—and who she isn't. when her reply comes, her words are steadier, even if her hands are shaking.]
[Ah. That does narrow the list considerably, doesn't it. But it doesn't really matter, not for this conversation.]
hold onto that, then you're the only one who can make the choice of how much to give her, but don't forget that line and if she asks you to cross it, walk away or ask someone to to take you away, if you can't
I might have to It's easy to talk big when she isn't here It's easy to do a lot of things when she isn't here and that's something I never thought I would like about missing her
Dammit I'm crying again what's wrong with me Hate this
Shit dammit you're right I shouldn't be dumping all of this on you right now Is Clover there, do you have someone who can actually help you Like, in person, I mean
hey that's not what i was saying just because yang and i are laid up right now doesn't mean we're the only ones suffering you still lost people anyway clover's as bad off as me oz has been coming around
[yeah but he lost his life so she really has no place to complain about anything but. it's. fine. just stop talking, em.]
Sigh. Being a good guy means I still technically have to be relieved that Oz is doing okay, doesn't it. Good, though. We don't need any complications. And this is everyone's first times, right? Nobody worrying about memory loss or anything?
[He can't help but think if Raven had been honest with him about having been the Spring Maiden, some of this might have been avoided. But what's done is done. He's not thrilled about how it all went down, and he feels like refried shit, but he thinks surviving if Raven had killed anyone else would've been worse.]
save me an invite to that party in the meantime i'm alright but talking like this is a good distraction
You've really kind of given me a lot to think about, you know? Sorry that I used to think you were just some drunk. I spent so much time when I got here just... going off intel from before the Fall. There's no way any of it could be true anymore. Everything changed. But it feels like a lot of it is starting to change for the better.
[He's not entirely sure what to do with the apology, when Emerald offers it. He's tempted to just ignore it, to move on, but this somehow feels...important. Maybe for her sake moreso than his, he realizes.]
we didn't exactly have the chance to get to know each other in remnant besides, the drunk part wasn't even wrong up until atlas don't worry about it
i don't know what the future'll hold in this place, really but we're doing what we can and that's the most you can ask for
You kicked it by the time you got to Atlas? You know, that's kind of funny. Because Salem was really pissed at you (I mean, she's pissed at everyone, but you know what I mean) after the fight at Haven. And if you were working through all that stuff and you still kicked everyone's asses like that?
Good job, though, um. I know it's not easy. Forcing yourself to stop doing something that helps make everything manageable.
more like i made the decision on the stolen airship on the way to atlas stuck to it so far, anyway
[He's had some rough patches since, and Ruby's death drew him the closest to falling off the wagon, but he's...he's hung on. She probably doesn't want to hear about any of that, though. Hell, he doesn't know how to talk about it, or even if he should. Dwelling on how it feels to be without the crutch that he's leaned on for well over a decade now would only make it harder, right? It's fine. He's fine. He takes a deep breath, searching for steadier ground.]
besides ruby and yang and the others had more to do with the win than me i just kept raven and hazel busy for awhile
You should really stop doing that. Deflecting compliments. They're already hard enough for me to give. Plus I'm not saying that I know exactly what you're going through, but, you know. Shock of the year, I've been there, too. And besides, if it doesn't matter to Salem how small a part you think you played in her losing control of a Relic, then it probably shouldn't matter to you, either.
heh. clover said the same thing, in atlas it just doesn't feel like an accomplishment, really
[Or at least, he feels weird and uncomfortable patting himself on the back for cleaning himself up so he wouldn't need to be scraped off the pavement while children were left to figure out how to proceed with saving the world when everything just seemed too hopeless.]
especially when it'd be so easy to slip
[He means to delete that; it's his problem to deal with. ...He's tired enough that he misses the backspace and hits "send" by mistake, instead. Shit.]
[it's fine. she appreciates him opening up whether he meant to or not. she appreciates it enough that she won't even call him out for comparing her to a cop.]
Yeah. It'd be really easy to slip.
I spent some long nights stuck in Salem's castle trying to get a hold of myself. I've always been lucky enough to never do anything, but... I've wanted it before. If you get me.
So maybe it doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment, doing what you have to do to keep yourself and everyone around you safe. But you and I both know it is.
I know a few tricks for fighting the thoughts back. If you ever need them.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I still don't like feeling broken like this, feeling lost, feeling like a part of me was stolen
But it's
Don't fucking judge me for saying this because I know it's corny shit but
It feels better to be feeling that than indifference
Or brothers help me, happiness
I want to feel heartbroken when this happens to people I care about because it means that it all actually means something
I don't know
I haven't been sleeping and I feel stupid talking about stuff like this too much
I think I'm making sense
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i mean
what else is all that surviving even for?
[That's what it comes down to in the end, right? Is it better to be feared or loved? Qrow chooses loved.]
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This is what love feels like?
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yeah basically
[He intends to leave it at that. He would've, normally. But he's sick as shit and on whatever painkillers they've managed to scrounge up at this point and his mental filters are like 30% operational at best. Qrow will aggressively deny this naked sentimentality later, if he even remembers, but for now:]
it feels like losing part of you because it is
you are giving people pieces of your heart in exchange for pieces of theirs, after all
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Oh.
[that's all she can say for a long moment while she rolls it around in her head. she doesn't know how she feels about it in the slightest, but her fingers are typing out a reply anyway while she thinks and thinks and thinks and can't settle on a meaning. she's not spiraling but she doesn't feel like she's here right now.]
Didn't think I had that much left after I gave all of it to someone who didn't care
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Some part of Qrow, distantly, realizes he's hitting dangerous territory. He realizes if he continues down this path, he will be in fact carving out a new portion of it heart for Emerald, here. But he's in too deep, and perhaps this endless twilight is a space when they can bear their grief without facing the consequences. Perhaps it is safe simply to hurt right now.]
unfortunately
[It is a private joke for himself, but perhaps he might share it with her someday.]
it's not something you can run out of
even when you think someone's run away with everything, you'll find there's still more to carve out the next time someone comes around
hell, even when you remember the dumpster they threw it all in, you'll be tempted to give them more if you see them again and they look at you the same way they always did
[Qrow does not know who Emerald means; she does not know who he means -- and perhaps this is a kindness for them both. It is a safe place to bleed, without the burden of context, of knowledge.]
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I don't want her to have any more
Nobody gets it
Not Yang not Varian but I know the second she shows up in my life here nothing else will matter
I'll carve out piece after piece and hand it over to her and hope that she gives me back a scrap
I'm not strong enough alone
I know I'm not
Just one spark and everything goes up in flames
I'm just waiting for it to happen
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it's hard
[It takes him a minute, after that. The typing dots appear and disappear, as he tries to get coherent sentences to arrange themselves through the headache.]
i don't know if there's an answer, really
if you should let her rebuild the bridge or keep it burned
but is there a line you couldn't let her cross?
something you can't accept, no matter what?
[This, he thinks, is very important. He does not know how to let go of people, not completely. But he's taught himself from hard experience how to turn his back, at the very, very least.]
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Ruby.
I won't let her hurt Ruby again.
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hold onto that, then
you're the only one who can make the choice of how much to give her, but don't forget that line
and if she asks you to cross it, walk away
or ask someone to to take you away, if you can't
[A brief pause. Then:]
i won't judge you if you need to ask me
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It's easy to talk big when she isn't here
It's easy to do a lot of things when she isn't here and that's something I never thought I would like about missing her
Dammit I'm crying again what's wrong with me
Hate this
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we're all kind of fucked up right now
and death not sticking anymore doesn't make it suck any less for anyone involved
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Is Clover there, do you have someone who can actually help you
Like, in person, I mean
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that's not what i was saying
just because yang and i are laid up right now doesn't mean we're the only ones suffering
you still lost people
anyway
clover's as bad off as me
oz has been coming around
[......listen he knows. He Knows. It's a lot.]
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Sigh.
Being a good guy means I still technically have to be relieved that Oz is doing okay, doesn't it.
Good, though. We don't need any complications.
And this is everyone's first times, right? Nobody worrying about memory loss or anything?
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applies to most people you don't like, really
it's one of the annoying parts
certain scorpions need not apply though
[Fuck Tyrian Callows.]
but yeah
we're all just sick
perfectly remembering why we're sick
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I don't know if it stops hurting.
Ruby and Neo don't talk about it and I don't ask.
I'm sorry that it happened. To you, to everyone.
I still haven't been doing much sleeping so if you need anything I can come over?
Your actual niece probably has you covered there, though.
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me too
[He can't help but think if Raven had been honest with him about having been the Spring Maiden, some of this might have been avoided. But what's done is done. He's not thrilled about how it all went down, and he feels like refried shit, but he thinks surviving if Raven had killed anyone else would've been worse.]
save me an invite to that party
in the meantime i'm alright
but talking like this is a good distraction
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You've really kind of given me a lot to think about, you know?
Sorry that I used to think you were just some drunk.
I spent so much time when I got here just... going off intel from before the Fall.
There's no way any of it could be true anymore.
Everything changed.
But it feels like a lot of it is starting to change for the better.
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we didn't exactly have the chance to get to know each other in remnant
besides, the drunk part wasn't even wrong up until atlas
don't worry about it
i don't know what the future'll hold in this place, really
but we're doing what we can
and that's the most you can ask for
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You know, that's kind of funny.
Because Salem was really pissed at you (I mean, she's pissed at everyone, but you know what I mean) after the fight at Haven.
And if you were working through all that stuff and you still kicked everyone's asses like that?
Good job, though, um.
I know it's not easy.
Forcing yourself to stop doing something that helps make everything manageable.
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stuck to it so far, anyway
[He's had some rough patches since, and Ruby's death drew him the closest to falling off the wagon, but he's...he's hung on. She probably doesn't want to hear about any of that, though. Hell, he doesn't know how to talk about it, or even if he should. Dwelling on how it feels to be without the crutch that he's leaned on for well over a decade now would only make it harder, right? It's fine. He's fine. He takes a deep breath, searching for steadier ground.]
besides
ruby and yang and the others had more to do with the win than me
i just kept raven and hazel busy for awhile
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Deflecting compliments.
They're already hard enough for me to give.
Plus I'm not saying that I know exactly what you're going through, but, you know.
Shock of the year, I've been there, too.
And besides, if it doesn't matter to Salem how small a part you think you played in her losing control of a Relic, then it probably shouldn't matter to you, either.
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clover said the same thing, in atlas
it just
doesn't feel like an accomplishment, really
[Or at least, he feels weird and uncomfortable patting himself on the back for cleaning himself up so he wouldn't need to be scraped off the pavement while children were left to figure out how to proceed with saving the world when everything just seemed too hopeless.]
especially when it'd be so easy to slip
[He means to delete that; it's his problem to deal with. ...He's tired enough that he misses the backspace and hits "send" by mistake, instead. Shit.]
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Yeah.
It'd be really easy to slip.
I spent some long nights stuck in Salem's castle trying to get a hold of myself.
I've always been lucky enough to never do anything, but... I've wanted it before.
If you get me.
So maybe it doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment, doing what you have to do to keep yourself and everyone around you safe.
But you and I both know it is.
I know a few tricks for fighting the thoughts back. If you ever need them.
gently cws this thread for passive suicidality & alcoholism talk
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