[The expression "feeling like death warmed over" has never been more appropriate. It takes Qrow a solid ten minutes before he can work his limbs up to reaching for his Fluid on the nightstand after it buzzes.]
ughhhh well all three of us are alive again so as good as could be expected, i guess
[all. three. :)]
it'll be better once i don't need a trash can next to the bed anymore how're you holding up
Not great. Ruby was a mess, too. I came by the church... she was trying to set up for her birthday. I did my best to comfort her but I don't think I did much. I wasn't really in a good place to offer it anyway, you know? With you and Yang gone on the same day, I didn't really have a lot to hold on to. Still haven't talked to Neo about the stuff I told you we'd talk about. So I'm just glad you're both back.
[....ah. There's a lot to process in there, but he sticks on you and Yang gone on the same day. Of course Deerington couldn't give any of them a break, could they. While he and Clover were occupied dealing with the Grimm that had taken over Raven, of course something terrible was happening somewhere else in town. He sighs, frustrated knowing that he won't be well enough to go see her for awhile, and neither will she.]
glad to be back
[...mostly. He'd be more glad if he were able to be unconscious without needing to be knocked out by a weird purple ghost cloud thing. But body crimes aside, while he has no regrets for what doing what was needed to protect Ruby, he's not quite ready to go for real yet.]
i'll have to make it up to ruby but thanks for trying anyway i appreciate it what happened with yang?
[And. Almost somewhat as an afterthought:]
as for neo, we've been kind of busy pretty sure you can hold off on the deep relationship talks another couple weeks try not to wait six months, though
[He's Not Salty at all, about anything in this life. How dare you.]
You and Clover finally had a talk about stuff, I guess? And I take it it didn't go great. Well. Glad it's out there, at least.
[there's a pause, and the knot in her chest tightens as she thinks about what happened last week. it really hasn't been long enough to process everything. it never will be.]
[It was sure not whether they're in a relationship, though. Hahaha. Ha. Ha.
.....switching gears. It's a difficult thing to process, when he's in this state where lucidity itself comes and goes, but there's one thing he knows right off the bat, and he starts with that, because he knows what it's like to hate yourself when someone you care about gets hurt.]
she's a huntress that's about the best any of us can hope for as a way to go i'm not going to insult you and say something like it's not your fault but i don't think she'll want you to hate yourself for it and i don't either so when you feel like you can give yourself permission not to, we're still here
I don't feel worth it Why was it her Bad things happen to bad people I shouldn't have been the one who lived
[she writes out each of those in full, one after another, but deletes them all before hitting send. it takes her longer to send something she feels comfortable with.]
It might take a while I'm not used to feeling guilty for surviving but I know a lot of people who are And it hurts, Qrow
[The text draws a very sad, tired sigh from him. He hadn't sanitized things when he told her what it was like to make the choice to become a better person, but he'd rather hoped she wouldn't face this part so soon. Maybe it's just inevitable for them all, when they live their lives the way they do.]
yeah, it does i'm sorry
[He wishes he could promise it gets better, or easier. Lord knows how hard it's been for him, getting himself cleaned up and staying away from alcohol as a crutch when things started to feel like too much.]
[she isn't proud but this is the first time she's talked about it to anybody. and Qrow is the one who gets to bear the brunt of it. part of her knows he'll tell her to shut up instead of coddling her. part of her is just reaching out wherever she can.]
[She asks him to lie to her, and for a moment, he wishes he could be more like Ozpin. He wishes he could tell her what she wants to hear in a soft, warm voice with kindness in his eyes, and think it a mercy.
He doesn't even bother to try. His own edges are too jagged and rough; it'll come off insincere at best, actively condescending at worst.]
i'm not a very good liar these days, emerald you learn to live with the pain, though and there's more than just pain ahead i can promise that much, at least
Then I guess that means I can believe your promise
[it takes her a moment to reply to that because of course she knew. of course she knew that this doesn't get easier. she's not stupid. she just wants someone else to show her what she wants to see.]
I know it's what being a Huntress is, but I also know that's the same kind of bullshit that Oz tried to feed Hazel to tell him that his dead sister should've known what to expect So I know you're not happy about that being the answer either
But that's what it is. And there isn't anything for anyone to do about it now. Ride it out. Keep moving forward.
she's absolutely a hugger yang hugs are highly recommended
[Okay, that's the easy part. He actually sets his Fluid down briefly before getting to the rest, because his head is still pounding and he needs to close his eyes for a moment before he can push ahead. Brothers, he has never quite felt like garbage to this extent in his life and he has not been all too kind to his body over the years.]
nobody's happy with that answer, emerald but i've been out for only my own before, too i was just as likely to die back then and it'd have been as a scumbag bandit who took advantage of those weaker than me fighting to protect those people feels better when i kick it for real, i'll have at least tried to put something more into the world than just more corpses maybe it's bullshit, sure, but i'd rather it mean that much than nothing at all
[For all he's angry with Ozpin, all his bitterness....he does not regret becoming a Huntsman. He does not regret having Summer and Taiyang and Ruby and Yang in his life because of those years.
Qrow may never be truly free of self-loathing, but he hates this version of himself less than the bandit.]
[she said something wrong at the expense of getting in a cheap shot about Oz. but it doesn't feel like getting hit in the chest like it sometimes does when she gets the reply. instead, she takes her time to answer.]
Leaving the world a better place than how you found it. It's pretty compelling. It's a nice way to live. And I guess it's one thing about being a Huntsman that the streets can't teach you.
I have people who would care when I die now. I know most of them would throw down their lives for me whether I wanted them to or not. I want to think I'd do the same for them but I can't trust myself that much yet. But once you have people like them, it gets pretty hard to pretend like the path you took to get there wasn't worth it.
[He's not sure he's accomplished that, or ever will, especially with a Semblance like his, but he can try. And even if the scales don't balance, it is better than doing no good at all.]
it's not really something you can plan ahead for and like you said, it's not something that'll make them happy, either all of us huntsmen have those scars but you're right, finding those people is worth it if you ask me, they make the pain worth it, too
I think I get it. I still don't like feeling broken like this, feeling lost, feeling like a part of me was stolen But it's
Don't fucking judge me for saying this because I know it's corny shit but It feels better to be feeling that than indifference Or brothers help me, happiness I want to feel heartbroken when this happens to people I care about because it means that it all actually means something
I don't know I haven't been sleeping and I feel stupid talking about stuff like this too much I think I'm making sense
[He intends to leave it at that. He would've, normally. But he's sick as shit and on whatever painkillers they've managed to scrounge up at this point and his mental filters are like 30% operational at best. Qrow will aggressively deny this naked sentimentality later, if he even remembers, but for now:]
it feels like losing part of you because it is you are giving people pieces of your heart in exchange for pieces of theirs, after all
[that's all she can say for a long moment while she rolls it around in her head. she doesn't know how she feels about it in the slightest, but her fingers are typing out a reply anyway while she thinks and thinks and thinks and can't settle on a meaning. she's not spiraling but she doesn't feel like she's here right now.]
Didn't think I had that much left after I gave all of it to someone who didn't care
Some part of Qrow, distantly, realizes he's hitting dangerous territory. He realizes if he continues down this path, he will be in fact carving out a new portion of it heart for Emerald, here. But he's in too deep, and perhaps this endless twilight is a space when they can bear their grief without facing the consequences. Perhaps it is safe simply to hurt right now.]
unfortunately
[It is a private joke for himself, but perhaps he might share it with her someday.]
it's not something you can run out of even when you think someone's run away with everything, you'll find there's still more to carve out the next time someone comes around hell, even when you remember the dumpster they threw it all in, you'll be tempted to give them more if you see them again and they look at you the same way they always did
[Qrow does not know who Emerald means; she does not know who he means -- and perhaps this is a kindness for them both. It is a safe place to bleed, without the burden of context, of knowledge.]
I don't want her to have any more Nobody gets it Not Yang not Varian but I know the second she shows up in my life here nothing else will matter I'll carve out piece after piece and hand it over to her and hope that she gives me back a scrap I'm not strong enough alone I know I'm not Just one spark and everything goes up in flames I'm just waiting for it to happen
[He gets it. He gave Raven seventeen years of chances to come back to them, after all. He'd privately taken back disowning her after that first conversation with Emerald, even. He's still trying to decide if he can forgive Ozpin.]
it's hard
[It takes him a minute, after that. The typing dots appear and disappear, as he tries to get coherent sentences to arrange themselves through the headache.]
i don't know if there's an answer, really if you should let her rebuild the bridge or keep it burned but is there a line you couldn't let her cross? something you can't accept, no matter what?
[This, he thinks, is very important. He does not know how to let go of people, not completely. But he's taught himself from hard experience how to turn his back, at the very, very least.]
[it takes five minutes for the read receipt to go through and another ten before Emerald can actually bring herself to respond. she's having a breakdown in front of Qrow's eyes and once again she feels horribly guilty about everything she's saying and who she's saying it to—and who she isn't. when her reply comes, her words are steadier, even if her hands are shaking.]
[Ah. That does narrow the list considerably, doesn't it. But it doesn't really matter, not for this conversation.]
hold onto that, then you're the only one who can make the choice of how much to give her, but don't forget that line and if she asks you to cross it, walk away or ask someone to to take you away, if you can't
I might have to It's easy to talk big when she isn't here It's easy to do a lot of things when she isn't here and that's something I never thought I would like about missing her
Dammit I'm crying again what's wrong with me Hate this
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post-death
Welcome back.
So other than "not good", how's it going?
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ughhhh well
all three of us are alive again so as good as could be expected, i guess
[all. three. :)]
it'll be better once i don't need a trash can next to the bed anymore
how're you holding up
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Ruby was a mess, too. I came by the church... she was trying to set up for her birthday.
I did my best to comfort her but I don't think I did much.
I wasn't really in a good place to offer it anyway, you know?
With you and Yang gone on the same day, I didn't really have a lot to hold on to.
Still haven't talked to Neo about the stuff I told you we'd talk about.
So I'm just glad you're both back.
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glad to be back
[...mostly. He'd be more glad if he were able to be unconscious without needing to be knocked out by a weird purple ghost cloud thing. But body crimes aside, while he has no regrets for what doing what was needed to protect Ruby, he's not quite ready to go for real yet.]
i'll have to make it up to ruby
but thanks for trying anyway
i appreciate it
what happened with yang?
[And. Almost somewhat as an afterthought:]
as for neo, we've been kind of busy
pretty sure you can hold off on the deep relationship talks another couple weeks
try not to wait six months, though
[He's Not Salty at all, about anything in this life. How dare you.]
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And I take it it didn't go great.
Well. Glad it's out there, at least.
[there's a pause, and the knot in her chest tightens as she thinks about what happened last week. it really hasn't been long enough to process everything. it never will be.]
Yang died protecting me
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[It was sure not whether they're in a relationship, though. Hahaha. Ha. Ha.
.....switching gears. It's a difficult thing to process, when he's in this state where lucidity itself comes and goes, but there's one thing he knows right off the bat, and he starts with that, because he knows what it's like to hate yourself when someone you care about gets hurt.]
she's a huntress
that's about the best any of us can hope for as a way to go
i'm not going to insult you and say something like it's not your fault
but i don't think she'll want you to hate yourself for it
and i don't either
so when you feel like you can give yourself permission not to, we're still here
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Why was it her
Bad things happen to bad people
I shouldn't have been the one who lived
[she writes out each of those in full, one after another, but deletes them all before hitting send. it takes her longer to send something she feels comfortable with.]
It might take a while
I'm not used to feeling guilty for surviving but I know a lot of people who are
And it hurts, Qrow
cw: alcoholism reference
yeah, it does
i'm sorry
[He wishes he could promise it gets better, or easier. Lord knows how hard it's been for him, getting himself cleaned up and staying away from alcohol as a crutch when things started to feel like too much.]
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[she isn't proud but this is the first time she's talked about it to anybody. and Qrow is the one who gets to bear the brunt of it. part of her knows he'll tell her to shut up instead of coddling her. part of her is just reaching out wherever she can.]
Lie to me if you have to
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He doesn't even bother to try. His own edges are too jagged and rough; it'll come off insincere at best, actively condescending at worst.]
i'm not a very good liar these days, emerald
you learn to live with the pain, though
and there's more than just pain ahead
i can promise that much, at least
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[it takes her a moment to reply to that because of course she knew. of course she knew that this doesn't get easier. she's not stupid. she just wants someone else to show her what she wants to see.]
I know it's what being a Huntress is, but I also know that's the same kind of bullshit that Oz tried to feed Hazel to tell him that his dead sister should've known what to expect
So I know you're not happy about that being the answer either
But that's what it is.
And there isn't anything for anyone to do about it now.
Ride it out. Keep moving forward.
Is she a hugger
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yang hugs are highly recommended
[Okay, that's the easy part. He actually sets his Fluid down briefly before getting to the rest, because his head is still pounding and he needs to close his eyes for a moment before he can push ahead. Brothers, he has never quite felt like garbage to this extent in his life and he has not been all too kind to his body over the years.]
nobody's happy with that answer, emerald
but i've been out for only my own before, too
i was just as likely to die back then and it'd have been as a scumbag bandit who took advantage of those weaker than me
fighting to protect those people feels better
when i kick it for real, i'll have at least tried to put something more into the world than just more corpses
maybe it's bullshit, sure, but i'd rather it mean that much than nothing at all
[For all he's angry with Ozpin, all his bitterness....he does not regret becoming a Huntsman. He does not regret having Summer and Taiyang and Ruby and Yang in his life because of those years.
Qrow may never be truly free of self-loathing, but he hates this version of himself less than the bandit.]
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Leaving the world a better place than how you found it.
It's pretty compelling. It's a nice way to live.
And I guess it's one thing about being a Huntsman that the streets can't teach you.
I have people who would care when I die now.
I know most of them would throw down their lives for me whether I wanted them to or not.
I want to think I'd do the same for them but I can't trust myself that much yet.
But once you have people like them, it gets pretty hard to pretend like the path you took to get there wasn't worth it.
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it's not really something you can plan ahead for
and like you said, it's not something that'll make them happy, either
all of us huntsmen have those scars
but you're right, finding those people is worth it
if you ask me, they make the pain worth it, too
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I still don't like feeling broken like this, feeling lost, feeling like a part of me was stolen
But it's
Don't fucking judge me for saying this because I know it's corny shit but
It feels better to be feeling that than indifference
Or brothers help me, happiness
I want to feel heartbroken when this happens to people I care about because it means that it all actually means something
I don't know
I haven't been sleeping and I feel stupid talking about stuff like this too much
I think I'm making sense
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i mean
what else is all that surviving even for?
[That's what it comes down to in the end, right? Is it better to be feared or loved? Qrow chooses loved.]
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This is what love feels like?
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yeah basically
[He intends to leave it at that. He would've, normally. But he's sick as shit and on whatever painkillers they've managed to scrounge up at this point and his mental filters are like 30% operational at best. Qrow will aggressively deny this naked sentimentality later, if he even remembers, but for now:]
it feels like losing part of you because it is
you are giving people pieces of your heart in exchange for pieces of theirs, after all
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Oh.
[that's all she can say for a long moment while she rolls it around in her head. she doesn't know how she feels about it in the slightest, but her fingers are typing out a reply anyway while she thinks and thinks and thinks and can't settle on a meaning. she's not spiraling but she doesn't feel like she's here right now.]
Didn't think I had that much left after I gave all of it to someone who didn't care
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Some part of Qrow, distantly, realizes he's hitting dangerous territory. He realizes if he continues down this path, he will be in fact carving out a new portion of it heart for Emerald, here. But he's in too deep, and perhaps this endless twilight is a space when they can bear their grief without facing the consequences. Perhaps it is safe simply to hurt right now.]
unfortunately
[It is a private joke for himself, but perhaps he might share it with her someday.]
it's not something you can run out of
even when you think someone's run away with everything, you'll find there's still more to carve out the next time someone comes around
hell, even when you remember the dumpster they threw it all in, you'll be tempted to give them more if you see them again and they look at you the same way they always did
[Qrow does not know who Emerald means; she does not know who he means -- and perhaps this is a kindness for them both. It is a safe place to bleed, without the burden of context, of knowledge.]
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I don't want her to have any more
Nobody gets it
Not Yang not Varian but I know the second she shows up in my life here nothing else will matter
I'll carve out piece after piece and hand it over to her and hope that she gives me back a scrap
I'm not strong enough alone
I know I'm not
Just one spark and everything goes up in flames
I'm just waiting for it to happen
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it's hard
[It takes him a minute, after that. The typing dots appear and disappear, as he tries to get coherent sentences to arrange themselves through the headache.]
i don't know if there's an answer, really
if you should let her rebuild the bridge or keep it burned
but is there a line you couldn't let her cross?
something you can't accept, no matter what?
[This, he thinks, is very important. He does not know how to let go of people, not completely. But he's taught himself from hard experience how to turn his back, at the very, very least.]
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Ruby.
I won't let her hurt Ruby again.
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hold onto that, then
you're the only one who can make the choice of how much to give her, but don't forget that line
and if she asks you to cross it, walk away
or ask someone to to take you away, if you can't
[A brief pause. Then:]
i won't judge you if you need to ask me
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It's easy to talk big when she isn't here
It's easy to do a lot of things when she isn't here and that's something I never thought I would like about missing her
Dammit I'm crying again what's wrong with me
Hate this
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gently cws this thread for passive suicidality & alcoholism talk
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